ic contact;

[psycholawgy]

You've reached Athena Cykes. I'm currently unavailable, but leave a message and I'll get back to you pronto. Danke! (voice/call → text → video → action)

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[psycholawgy]

[ she was expecting somebody else at the door, honestly. and on her way there, she calls out to the person on the other side with a sweet sounding "Just a sec!"

and then the door slides open and she sees him and her heart immediately sinks. she was smiling then, but now... ]

Oh.

Um. [ widget's sad face is probably a good indication of how she feels. ] Hi.

[sortileges]

[ His eyes aren't on her face, either. They instantly sink to widget, watching as the face switches to the sad face instead.

It makes his stomach drop, makes his hand tighten until he hears the crinkle of paper beneath his fingertips. He thinks of how he's potentially ruined everything. Ruined probably the best thing that's happened to him. One of the best things that happened to her(? - He doesn't want to be too hopeful with that anymore.)

His gaze drops to the letter then, shifting his hands to hold it between the both of them. The letter covers everything. Even the things he knows she knows, just to give it all context and order. But it also covers things that he's only talked to Gaius about, if even then. It covers a lot of things he isn't proud of, a lot of things that were necessities.

But it's honest.

This is the right thing to do. ] I can't stay long. I just. [ His hands flop, the one holding the letter letting it rest against his thigh, the other runs into his hair, musses it up as he finally lifts his gaze to look at her. ]

I'm going away for a few days with Shigeru, so...

[psycholawgy]

Okay.

[ this isn't fine. as much as she wants to stay positive, she can't. sometimes, the darkness in one's heart just takes over. apollo would be so disappointed in her for not being more optimistic about things. she's supposed to be someone who's always smiling, and yet. . .

she looks down, then around the hallway. shigeru doesn't seem to be there. ]

Where are you going?

[sortileges]

[ He sees her glance around, which does at least make him relax a little. Instead of making her assume everything, he says: ]

I'm meeting him downstairs. [ This is the harder part though, because there's very little chance what he's going to tell her will make her happy either. ] We're-- [ A pause as he swallows, gathers courage. ] We're going to the Labyrinth.

...I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye.

[psycholawgy]

[ you don't have to worry about making her upset, merlin. she already is right now, so adding some salt to the wound's nothing. :) ]

Right. Then take care, and goodbye.

[ this is painful, even for her, to give him the cold shoulder all of a sudden. it's only been a couple of days since that incident, and she still dwells on it.

constantly.

it's not difficult to not be upset about it. she doesn't mean to be, but they haven't exactly reached a resolution yet. so her mood continues to drop by the second.

she means what she says, though. that he should take care. ]

[sortileges]

[ Ah, of course not.

He doesn't know what he expected though, after leaving the other day without saying anything. He'd made sure she had a blanket, that she had everything close by--just not him.

His hand shakes as he lifts it finally, holding out the thick envelope with the letter folded inside. ]

And I wanted to give you this. [ He tries to not think of how cold that goodbye was, though part of him knows that it may stay like that even when he returns, even when she finishes reading everything. ]

I'm sorry I didn't do this much sooner, before...

[ Before everything. Before he fell for her, before she fell for him. Before they said "I love you".

Most likely? He won't take care, not after this, but that isn't something she needs to know right now. There's adding salt to a wound and there's drowning a wound with salt. ]

[psycholawgy]

[ that throws her off a little, and she looks at his hand curiously, canting her head to the side. a letter, and it's thick, too. but despite that, she doesn't seem all that eager to read it compared to how much she reads the letter he wrote for her a few weeks ago.

she reads it every night before bed, and there's already stains on the piece of paper because she gets overwhelmed by her own emotions sometimes. (all the time.)

but this... just seems different.

then she looks up at him as she takes the envelope. ]

What's inside?

[sortileges]

[ His hand feels emptier than it should when she takes it, like he's cut out part of himself to put into that letter. His hand falls limp afterwards, but this time he doesn't avert his gaze. ]

Everything. Everything I wanted to tell you, but couldn't. Everything I tried to tell you, but it was too much and you-- [ He just bites the inside of his cheek then and glances away to stare at the wall instead. ]

I'm sorry it's so long, I just didn't want to hide anything anymore. I want to know that when you tell me that you-- [ He swallows, pained. Then he tries again, softer. ] I want to know that when you tell me that you love me, it's because you know every part of me.

[psycholawgy]

[ a part of her thinks that this could be good. it's an educational experience for the both of them, but at the same time, she has to ask- ]

You don't know every part of me, either, but that doesn't mean I doubt you.

[ because that's how she feels right now. she's being doubted. what and how she feels are being questioned, and a part of her doesn't like it. a part of her just wants to run away, but she knows it's not right. that's why she's staying. ]

[sortileges]

[ His hands move, digging into his pockets. How he replies isn't exactly reassuring though. ]

But I doubt you've done anything like what I've done, Athena. There are things I don't even forgive myself for, and I don't think you should either until you know what they are, that's all.

[ He glances down sadly. ] I want you to, but I don't think it will help anything in the long run. If you read this, then still feel the same, I won't question it I promise. It's just... You know that I have this destiny. The truth is Arthur is the light, the one who is noble and-- [ He sucks in a breath. ] --I'm the one who keeps it that way from the shadows.

[ By doing the things Arthur should never have to. ]

I don't doubt that you love me, you know? That isn't it. I just don't think you should.

[ Which may be all the more insulting in a way... but it's how he feels. ]

You could have someone, anyone. Someone who can make you happy all the time. I want you to be happy. Not like-- [ His hand reaches out, but it hesitates before his fingers can touch her cheek, just hovering there. ] --Not like this. I keep hurting you because I don't know how to say any of it, so please. Read this. You'll have time and then... tell me your answer.

[psycholawgy]

That doesn't mean— [ she interrupts, but cuts herself off because she wants him to continue instead.

and she listens, looking at the letter before her. what she has in her hands feels so heavy all of a sudden as he continues to speak, and she wishes that she had just had clonco answer the door instead. ]

You think too lowly of yourself, but I understand. [ he'll probably be able to feel her tears falling as he's touching her cheek. ] I'll do as you say.

[ it really is insulting, though, that he even questions her. ]

Hearts don't lie, Merlin. I hope you know that. I've heard yours, while mine is really stubborn. I grew up this way. I don't think I'll be changing my mind, so I hope you keep my love in your thoughts as you explore the Labyrinth.

[sortileges]

Maybe I do, I don't know. Everything in here, only Gaius knows. I haven't needed to tell anyone before, I haven't had anyone I could trust to tell. I'm trusting you, so I hope you know that means I'm not giving up too.

[ His hand presses down on her skin a lot more firmly, and those are words he finds he needs, even if he's doing a terrible job of doing anything right for her. His other hand leaves his pocket, holds her face with both hands. ]

I won't forget. [ He won't forget what she's telling him now, or the promise he made to get before about not dying. He just needs to do this for himself, to make sure he realises how different things are here so he can stop thoughts that caused all this pain to begin with from happening again. He's the one at fault here, and he knows it. ] And I'll believe in you.

For all the poets may rave about it... love is scary, isn't it? [ His forehead moves to rest against hers, trying to feel the warmth of her skin. ]

[psycholawgy]

[ she can't help but laugh a little at his last comment. and this is the first time she's laughed in two or so days. ]

I never thought of it that way. I'm not scared at all. [ it's just you, merlin, who's insecure. please stop. ] I think it's just you.

[sortileges]

[ It's nice though, to hear her laugh again. It's amazing how you can hear a noise and realise just how much you missed it. ]

It probably is. [ His eyes flutter shut as he just stands there for a moment, and it's like the thing she's been trying to say all along is finally sinking in. ] I don't give you nearly enough credit. Sorry.

[psycholawgy]

[ she shoves the envelope in her back pocket and moves to tip toe and embrace him tight. if he's going to the labyrinth, then he needs all the strength he can get. and hopefully she helps him in his way. ]

[sortileges]

[ His hands slip down from her face to encircle her waist instead, pulling her close. His head dips to kiss her neck gently, eyes shutting as he just holds her for the moment. He gave himself enough time for this before meeting Shigeru anyway. It's fine. ]

[psycholawgy]

[ this is so much better than yelling at him, calling him stupid, or hearing so many hurtful things. she wishes this could last longer, but he's probably going to let go soon.

so she may as well say what she has in mind, again. ]

Merlin.

[sortileges]

[ It is, really it's more of a build up of anxiety that he hasn't let out in the right way. He should have just said things bit by bit over time, and now there's just a black cloud of doubt looming overhead.

He really is an idiot. Especially when it comes to this.

Instead of replying in full though, he murmurs a soft: ] Mm?

[psycholawgy]

[ she pulls away this time, and just looks up at him. it'll be a few days until she'll see his face again, so may as well remember what it looks like before it has cuts all over or something. :') ]

Can you wait here? I'm- I'm going to get something. For you.

[sortileges]

[ His teeth drag over his lip when she pulls back and it's like it's over too soon. After this though, he doesn't want to refuse her anything, so he gives her a nod. ]

Of course.

[psycholawgy]

[ athena immediately turns and heads to her room, and it only takes a few moments for her to come back out. balled up in her fist as she walks back to the door is something tied to a long red ribbon.

once she's back at the door and in front of him, she opens her palm revealing her moon earring tied to the ribbon. ]

Like last time, [ she says, looking hopeful. despite her smile, though, widget's still crying. ]

[sortileges]

[ He waits quietly when she walks out, though he can't say he expected this when she returns with the moon earring tied to the long red ribbon. His hand gently covers hers, but he doesn't actually say anything for a moment.

He kisses her.

It's a slow lean just in case she doesn't want it, because he knows she's still just as sad as he is. Maybe even more so. His hand doesn't let go though, instead it only twists to entwine their fingers, locking the earring between them. ]

[psycholawgy]

[ it's not comforting, the kiss, but she kisses him back, holding onto his hand tightly. she knows it's not safe where he's going, and she knows he's going to get hurt, physically this time. if she could treasure this moment that he's still physically okay, then she will, and take advantage of it.

she's going to miss this, even though she knows her feelings won't waver. somehow, she thinks that his are. ]

[sortileges]

[ It isn't when he's hesitant about her response, but as soon as she does respond that changes. They're still in the stupid doorway, so he shifts her slightly, his other hand at her hip as he nudges her towards the door frame. That's when it starts.

It's a kiss with way more emotion to it than he's probably poured in before. Love is at the forefront, of course, as is trust, loyalty and need for her to a point of desperation for this to end alright.

His hand squeezes hers tight until the shape of the moon probably imprints on both of their palms. The red ribbon connecting them both like the red ribbon of fate.

He just needs to find his path back to her again, that's what this boils down to.

He doesn't want to feel like this. He wants this--this feeling he pours into the kiss--to be the only reality they have. ]

I'M DYING AT MY KEYWORDS

[psycholawgy]

[ she's definitely surprised when her back is suddenly on the door frame, and she makes a noise when she hits it. but this is fine. she doesn't mind it at all. in fact, she falls into whatever spell this is rather quickly and returns the kisses he gives her with more of her own.

she doesn't mean to compete on who might be the best kisser right now, but it does seem that each kiss she gives gets more and more passionate than the last. ]