[ It makes him stop, at least. His head lowers a bit, because this is the worst thing about her not actually being dense like Arthur is. He hurts just as much, and maybe he hasn't told her everything, but as it stands he hasn't lied either.
But how does she expect him to feel after saying she's kissed 4 different people then tell him she lied about that in the same breath pretty much. He drops the food back into the basket gently, takes a deep breath. ]
I don't want you to. [ It's just a soft whisper because this isn't fair. ] I just.
[ she shakes her head, trying to cover up her tears with laughter. ]
No, no, it's fine-- I don't want to ruin things any further.
[ she just keeps on backing away, hands wiping away her tears. she's really an idiot... and maybe she'd just cry herself to sleep tonight. it sounds like a good plan. but it doesn't end there, she gets up to her knees and gives him a fake smile of her own. ]
Thanks for the headband and the glove- unless you want them back—
[ That only hurts more, why is it so hard to just explain how he feels? Sure, she can hear his heart or whatever, but it doesn't really give her details, does it? It doesn't tell her that this feels like its the first time he's experiencing life and that he's overwhelmed half the time.
That he doesn't know how to do this.
That it isn't the threats from people like Yu that terrify him over whether he'll hurt her, it's the fact itself.
And it's like his worst fears of that are already true. ]
That isn't what I'm saying-- [ Why can't he just explain. Just tell her that he's worried about rushing anything, even if it might be too late for his heart already and he can't tell because at the same time all he can see is her when they're together. When he's on his own, too.
He's even crying slightly now. At least one tear drops before he swipes it with the heel of his hand. ]
[ she stops, but she shakes her head. this is your cue to start talking, merlin.
except, she has to say something of her own first. ]
I'm always listening. [ her nails dig deep into her thighs, crying even more now. this... this is so reminiscent of the first time they were here. maybe, just maybe, this will have a happy ending, too.
though when she says that, she means she's always listening to his heart. and hearts don't lie, no matter what. ]
You're listening, but do you really understand it? [ He tilts his head when he looks at her this time, and he's had more wine and god... Hopefully neither of them mess this up further than they already have. Him staying silent for so long probably hasn't helped.
He takes a deep breath, but he doesn't look at her face, lets his eyes drop to where her nails dig into her thighs. He wants to cover her hands with his, instead he just closes his eyes and tries to think of the best way to say everything. ]
At home, I grew up in a tiny village. My mother has always been kind about my magic, but as you know, no one else was. Is. I had one friend there, called Will, but even he died when we went back to try and protect it from bandits. Because I'm a nobody and Ealdor isn't part of Camelot's Kingdom, Uther wouldn't send help.
He was the only friend I had growing up. Even now... I can't exactly say Arthur is a friend. Morgana... I don't know. Gwen is probably the closest and even then she doesn't know anything about me really. The only person who does is probably Lancelot. But he left. Gaius acts like he supports me, but he doesn't agree with me most of the time and it's just... It feels like I can finally be myself here.
But I still grew up not knowing how to talk about these things, I don't know how to do any of this.
And... [ He looks up at her then, biting into his lip hard. ] I don't want to mess this up. I just... [ He licks his lips, his entire body language tensed up like a coil about to snap. He swallows hard, sniffles a bit before he lets out a breath, both hands moving to rub his eyes. ] You might have kissed 4 people, but ... you're the first real kiss I've had and it's... [ His hands drop to his legs, rub there slowly. ] It's kind of terrifying, isn't it? I don't know if it means something different to the both of us, but for me it...
[ it hurts. she definitely isn't listening properly anymore because she knows she messed up if merlin is saying something like this. and in the middle of his speech, she begins to black out, feeling her throat doesn't exist anymore. she knows the ability to speak's been stolen from her at this point. she can barely see now, too, but whether it's the tears or something else that's hindering her eyesight is still up for debate.
her nails dig deeper. and it's good that her tights are knitted are thick, otherwise there'd be holes there already. and she just continues crying. she tries so hard to listen, but her body's decided to shut it all away. she's just so hurt. hurt because she's hurt him.
she keeps doing this. this happened with simon, too. and that was the last time they spent time together before he left for the nexus. she messed up.
she messed up now. and merlin is probably going to go away, literally or figuratively, and she doesn't know what to do about it. even widget's shut down as she just sits there, her hair a mess now and is covering her face. a part of it is on the floor, catching her tears and soaking it up.
at some point in her fit of tears, a hand makes its way to the bracelet he gave her. wear it always he said. if things get bad, try to sleep. she pulls at it a couple of times, but not enough to remove it. it's more like a motion to signify that she wants to sleep. to make all this go away.
to run away from this problem. ]
Go [ words are still hard for her. ] sleep, Athena... just [ ... ] to sleep...
[ Even when she said she'd listen, even when he'd asked her to listen she can't and it's an awful reminder of how she really just does deserve someone who will always be happy. Someone whose life hasn't been filled with a destiny so great it wears down on them to the point where they potentially do this to escape too.
It isn't hard to pick up on the signs when she starts murmuring to herself, when her hand goes to that bracelet that she's still wearing, just as promised. It's so hard to raise his hand, tears coming out harder because he's to blame for this.
Maybe he should have just let her go.
His hand lifts, hesitates mid-air before he murmurs: ] Swefe nu.
[ If it's what she wants or needs, he'll give her that for now, and it'll give him the time he needs to cry this out without being more of a burden on her. His arm moves to catch her before she slumps further, holding her around the shoulders. He doesn't move to hold her elsewhere, just lowers her gently to a pillow.
She should be pulled into a gentle dream, she should be able to feel peace again.
When all he can think is: ] You deserve so much better than this.
[ a gentle dream she may have, but it doesn't come quickly enough. when she falls into the spell, she sobs and almost chokes, still crying. eventually, her breath evens out and she moves into a world of dreams - one where she can actually be happy. one so far away from this. galaxies away.
but it can only last for so long. she's calm when she wakes up, but she refuses to move or even open her eyes. she doesn't know where she is, but all she wants is to go back to sleep... to where she can escape.
why is she back to reality?
...
... ... ...
she can't stay like this forever, though. slowly, she opens her eyes. why is she still in the rootop-- where's merlin? ]
[ He doesn't have the luxury of just going to sleep where things will be a little easier for a while. He doesn't have an escape, and after this it's hard to think he can actually open up to anyone. It's hard to want to, anyway. When Athena wakes she'll find his jacket draped over her, Merlin with his sleeves rolled up a feet away from her. His knees are drawn up, arms curled up to the point where it looks like he's hugging his head.
He's fallen to sleep like that, though his dreams are no where as sweet as hers would have been and probably felt like drowning in quick sand. ]
[ oh god, he hasn't left. thank the gods above... athena quickly gets up, but tears fall from her eyes and they make her stop her from what she's about to do. she has to wipe her eyes again to no avail. man, screw it.
she just runs to him, and while he might be asleep or not, she doesn't care. she pulls him into an embrace. a tight one where he can feel her heart pounding as if it's knocking at her ribs. where he can feel her heart beating for him. ]
I'm so sorry... I really am. I'm an idiot, please forgive me, Merlin.
[ though she probably doesn't sound so coherent when she's crying like a baby. ]
I'd choose you over anybody - anybody. Because... I really, really, [ love. ] like you. I don't- please believe me when I say that every second I spend with you is the best. And I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world. Or with anybody else in the world.
Please...
I'm so sorry. I don't want you to go. . . not you too. . . because I'm stupid.
[ Of course he hasn't left? For one thing, if he had intended to leave her alone he would have taken her home first, made sure she was in a safe environment. He'd probably make sure Ai would be with her, too.
Other than that he doesn't stir when she moves, not even when she starts to run. It's only when she's pulling him into an embrace that his eyes start to open. His face feels stiff, knees damp where where he's been crying. It's the confusion that he's her pull him in. Her words are the reminder of what happened hours(?) before.
His arms feel limp because of how he's slept, back aches, but he lets himself shift until his face is pressed into her neck. His hands still hesitate, even if she's saying all of this, but after a second or two he reaches for her in return, holding tight like his breath might have stopped.
Quietly, he just murmurs: ] I know. Sor-- [ He sucks in air, like he's finally getting the ability back. ] --ry. I'm not going anywhere.
[ He isn't crying anymore, hasn't been since he fell asleep. He just wants her to stop crying, to stop worrying about this when it's his problem in the first place. If she'd been with someone else, someone used to this era would they have been as upset? He can't say for sure.
He just wants her to understand where he's coming from this, as the one utterly out of time with the world. ]
I can't imagine ever kissing anyone else now, I-- [ It's embarrassing, infuriating that he's reduced to this.
But it's better than losing her. ] --I'd ask you to run away with me tomorrow, if this were somewhere else. To stay with me.
[ she goes quiet after sometime and just buries her face on his shoulder. then she starts crying again. ]
I can't lose you, too. Please don't go...
[ she knows what she signed up for when she started liking merlin. that he'd be taken away into the nexus at some point in time. she never expected it with simon which was why she was a mess for a while. it was the same for ryuko, too. her two best friends gone. and while death is her biggest fear, it's slowly being overtaken by the fear of losing merlin. as a friend. as...whatever this is. to the nexus.
she just wants to be with him. and maybe then she'd stop trying to be an idiot.
her hold on him grows tighter as her sobbing grows louder. ]
I'm so sorry. Please... I'd follow you anywhere, Merlin. Please. Just don't go.
[ He's a bit awkward about where to put his hands at first, until the way they're sat really does just make his back ache. ]
Here. [ He shifts to pull her legs up, pulling her up onto his lap, pulling her in closer because really he just hopes in future she'll tell him if he crosses any lines. This, right now, is more about comfort. About holding her close as his lips brush her temple. ]
I'm not going. [ It hurts so much, because he knows -- or at least he's fairly certain he knows what she means by this. By "don't go". She doesn't mean to his apartment, to even the other end of the rooftop. She means for the foreseeable future. ] Look at me. [ His hand reaches for her face, swipes at the tears freely falling from her eye. ] I'm right here.
[ He whispers "close your eyes" after, just wanting to take in the mess she's gotten herself into, before he kisses each eye in turn. Both of his hands move from her back to put her face, tilting it until he can kiss her forehead. ]
[ she does as she's told. there's no reason for her to be stubborn at a time like this, especially when she started this whole mess to begin with. though once he speaks, she opens her eyes but doesn't move her head. to look him in the eye now that she's stopped crying is -- difficult and painful. ]
[ He shakes his head lightly, finally leaning to press their foreheads together. He's still holding her face, but he does say softly: ] It isn't something you can really fix. We just need to adapt. I need to adapt.
[ He just breathes for a moment. ]
I'm. [ Okay, no he needs another second before he starts this again, but when he does, his voice is firmer. ] I'm used to poetry, to grand gestures of romance and that things like-- [ He just shakes his head again, biting into his lip. ] It's difficult, getting used to this when things aren't as serious when you... [ Maybe want it to be?
[ ... what, is he insinuating that she isn't as serious as she is just because she's kissed three other people? it doesn't work that way. and maybe her thinking is skewed, but she is serious with this... or so she thinks.
she's never felt this way before.
she moves to get off his lap and just sit next to him, knees drawn close to her as she embraces them. and then there's silence.
[ It's just... different. He's too idealistic with stuff like this where there's probably one true love then you never find someone else. It's stupid, and really her idea of how this works is actually makes a lot more sense.
He sighs when she pulls away, pressing his hands to his lap instead and digging in.
He doesn't say anything for a long moment either, instead moving his hands to under his legs, gripping the blankets underneath. ]
Then why did you bring something like that into a game? [ It takes him a while to get the words out, voice cracking slightly. His head tilts away, looking towards the sky. ] I told you before, that to me a kiss isn't something I take lightly. [ His stomach is twisting painfully, throat feels like it's closing up. He moves his hands up, rubs at his face. ] If you'd told me while we were actually talking about it, not during a game it would have been different but--
[ It hurts. That she'd use that to win.
It isn't necessarily the amount of people she's kissed, just how she used that information. How she used the fact that she lied to him as a means to win too. ]
I don't want to keep going in circles, so let's just... forget it.
[ a sigh. she's a psychology expert. she's supposed to know how to fix things like this. but it's then that she realises that she can study all she likes, but the experience itself.
life itself.
it's different.
she takes a deep breath and looks at him, eyes just filled with concern. honestly, she could die right here but she would want to request whomever's killing her to do it after they fix this. they have to. forgetting isn't fixing. ]
[ His shoulders tense and he uses the silence to fix his shirt a bit, rolling down the sleeves and re-fastening the cuffs. He smooths out the material, picks at it. His eyes flicker in her direction, but he doesn't turn to look at her. ]
I've only been kissed once before. Gwen did it, because she thought I'd died. My heart stopped, but the healing concoction that Gaius gave me worked at the last minute, so I came back to life. That's it. I was barely conscious at the time. With you it's different. It's like... [ He sits back, presses his hands against the floor, bunches the blankets under his fingers. ] It's like everything is alive at once. It feels like-- [ His eyes shut and for a second he rolls his lower lip into his mouth, as if trying to remember the feeling. ] Like electric. Like fire. All the elements in one and like my heart is burning because it's beating so hard.
It's like I finally understand what poets write about. What people live for. And I don't want that to be made into something... smaller?
[ she might be an idiot, but at least she sort of understands what he's cross and upset about... the pain he feels: she feels it too, quite literally at that. and now she feels like even more of a loser than before.
she looks at her socks and blinks a couple of times before talking. what merlin said was a lot to take in. and normally, it would fluster her, but it just makes her feel loved all the more instead. it's different this time around. ]
I didn't mean to-- [ a pause and she sinks further into the blankets, trying to make herself as minimised as possible. but it's hard. it's hard when she wants to say big words but be small at the same time. ] I'm sorry. [ that again. ] For not even considering what you might feel.
[ she clears her throat. ]
For saying something like that without warning. But-- [ she wants to look at him. she wants him to look at her. but it doesn't seem all that possible right now. ] You're the most important person to me, Merlin. My heart practically beats for you. And at that point, I just wanted to win. I was being selfish. I'm sorry.
I'm not exactly mad. [ How many times does he have to say that, and he does glance at her then, though it's only brief.
Slowly, he drops back onto the blankets, laying out instead as he tries to get rid of the tight feeling in his chest from this misunderstanding, fight(?), being so long and drawn out. She might have had a nap in the middle blessed with nice dreams thanks to her bracelet, but he's had a restless one where he kept waking up with his throat tightening up. ]
I'm just sad that you'd think you'd have to do something like that when I'd let you win if you wanted it that much to begin with. I'd give you anything you wanted.
Can I have your hand?
[ It isn't a demand this time, because he doesn't feel secure enough to expect her to agree entirely right now. ]
[ that's why she already apologised... does he accept it, though? does he forgive her for what she's said and done? it would ease her mind so much if he'd just say so, but... he hasn't. . .
and it's why she shakes her head. she doesn't deserve to give her his hand, for whatever purpose that might be. she doesn't deserve him if she just keeps hurting him like this. relationships aren't supposed to be just happiness and rainbows, she knows that, but she at least wants to try to keep it as pristine and perfect as possible.
[ Well if she'd just take his goddamn hand maybe she'd find that out?! He glances up at her when she shakes her head and he really wishes this hadn't bothered him as much as it did. That they could rewind the past few hours and he could have just laughed it off and just sulked about it later. ]
Shouldn't? Because it will make you want to leave more? Or because you're deciding for me?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
psycholawgy) wrote2016-03-27 09:09 pm
no subject
But how does she expect him to feel after saying she's kissed 4 different people then tell him she lied about that in the same breath pretty much. He drops the food back into the basket gently, takes a deep breath. ]
I don't want you to. [ It's just a soft whisper because this isn't fair. ] I just.
[ Just what? ]
no subject
No, no, it's fine-- I don't want to ruin things any further.
[ she just keeps on backing away, hands wiping away her tears. she's really an idiot... and maybe she'd just cry herself to sleep tonight. it sounds like a good plan. but it doesn't end there, she gets up to her knees and gives him a fake smile of her own. ]
Thanks for the headband and the glove- unless you want them back—
[ so stupid... ]
no subject
That he doesn't know how to do this.
That it isn't the threats from people like Yu that terrify him over whether he'll hurt her, it's the fact itself.
And it's like his worst fears of that are already true. ]
That isn't what I'm saying-- [ Why can't he just explain. Just tell her that he's worried about rushing anything, even if it might be too late for his heart already and he can't tell because at the same time all he can see is her when they're together. When he's on his own, too.
He's even crying slightly now. At least one tear drops before he swipes it with the heel of his hand. ]
Will you just sit down and listen to me?
no subject
except, she has to say something of her own first. ]
I'm always listening. [ her nails dig deep into her thighs, crying even more now. this... this is so reminiscent of the first time they were here. maybe, just maybe, this will have a happy ending, too.
though when she says that, she means she's always listening to his heart. and hearts don't lie, no matter what. ]
no subject
He takes a deep breath, but he doesn't look at her face, lets his eyes drop to where her nails dig into her thighs. He wants to cover her hands with his, instead he just closes his eyes and tries to think of the best way to say everything. ]
At home, I grew up in a tiny village. My mother has always been kind about my magic, but as you know, no one else was. Is. I had one friend there, called Will, but even he died when we went back to try and protect it from bandits. Because I'm a nobody and Ealdor isn't part of Camelot's Kingdom, Uther wouldn't send help.
He was the only friend I had growing up. Even now... I can't exactly say Arthur is a friend. Morgana... I don't know. Gwen is probably the closest and even then she doesn't know anything about me really. The only person who does is probably Lancelot. But he left. Gaius acts like he supports me, but he doesn't agree with me most of the time and it's just... It feels like I can finally be myself here.
But I still grew up not knowing how to talk about these things, I don't know how to do any of this.
And... [ He looks up at her then, biting into his lip hard. ] I don't want to mess this up. I just... [ He licks his lips, his entire body language tensed up like a coil about to snap. He swallows hard, sniffles a bit before he lets out a breath, both hands moving to rub his eyes. ] You might have kissed 4 people, but ... you're the first real kiss I've had and it's... [ His hands drop to his legs, rub there slowly. ] It's kind of terrifying, isn't it? I don't know if it means something different to the both of us, but for me it...
[ It means a fucking lot, Athena. ]
no subject
her nails dig deeper. and it's good that her tights are knitted are thick, otherwise there'd be holes there already. and she just continues crying. she tries so hard to listen, but her body's decided to shut it all away. she's just so hurt. hurt because she's hurt him.
she keeps doing this. this happened with simon, too. and that was the last time they spent time together before he left for the nexus. she messed up.
she messed up now. and merlin is probably going to go away, literally or figuratively, and she doesn't know what to do about it. even widget's shut down as she just sits there, her hair a mess now and is covering her face. a part of it is on the floor, catching her tears and soaking it up.
at some point in her fit of tears, a hand makes its way to the bracelet he gave her. wear it always he said. if things get bad, try to sleep. she pulls at it a couple of times, but not enough to remove it. it's more like a motion to signify that she wants to sleep. to make all this go away.
to run away from this problem. ]
Go [ words are still hard for her. ] sleep, Athena... just [ ... ] to sleep...
no subject
It isn't hard to pick up on the signs when she starts murmuring to herself, when her hand goes to that bracelet that she's still wearing, just as promised. It's so hard to raise his hand, tears coming out harder because he's to blame for this.
Maybe he should have just let her go.
His hand lifts, hesitates mid-air before he murmurs: ] Swefe nu.
[ If it's what she wants or needs, he'll give her that for now, and it'll give him the time he needs to cry this out without being more of a burden on her. His arm moves to catch her before she slumps further, holding her around the shoulders. He doesn't move to hold her elsewhere, just lowers her gently to a pillow.
She should be pulled into a gentle dream, she should be able to feel peace again.
When all he can think is: ] You deserve so much better than this.
no subject
but it can only last for so long. she's calm when she wakes up, but she refuses to move or even open her eyes. she doesn't know where she is, but all she wants is to go back to sleep... to where she can escape.
why is she back to reality?
...
... ... ...
she can't stay like this forever, though. slowly, she opens her eyes. why is she still in the rootop-- where's merlin? ]
no subject
He's fallen to sleep like that, though his dreams are no where as sweet as hers would have been and probably felt like drowning in quick sand. ]
no subject
she just runs to him, and while he might be asleep or not, she doesn't care. she pulls him into an embrace. a tight one where he can feel her heart pounding as if it's knocking at her ribs. where he can feel her heart beating for him. ]
I'm so sorry... I really am. I'm an idiot, please forgive me, Merlin.
[ though she probably doesn't sound so coherent when she's crying like a baby. ]
I'd choose you over anybody - anybody. Because... I really, really, [ love. ] like you. I don't- please believe me when I say that every second I spend with you is the best. And I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world. Or with anybody else in the world.
Please...
I'm so sorry. I don't want you to go. . . not you too. . . because I'm stupid.
no subject
Other than that he doesn't stir when she moves, not even when she starts to run. It's only when she's pulling him into an embrace that his eyes start to open. His face feels stiff, knees damp where where he's been crying. It's the confusion that he's her pull him in. Her words are the reminder of what happened hours(?) before.
His arms feel limp because of how he's slept, back aches, but he lets himself shift until his face is pressed into her neck. His hands still hesitate, even if she's saying all of this, but after a second or two he reaches for her in return, holding tight like his breath might have stopped.
Quietly, he just murmurs: ] I know. Sor-- [ He sucks in air, like he's finally getting the ability back. ] --ry. I'm not going anywhere.
[ He isn't crying anymore, hasn't been since he fell asleep. He just wants her to stop crying, to stop worrying about this when it's his problem in the first place. If she'd been with someone else, someone used to this era would they have been as upset? He can't say for sure.
He just wants her to understand where he's coming from this, as the one utterly out of time with the world. ]
I can't imagine ever kissing anyone else now, I-- [ It's embarrassing, infuriating that he's reduced to this.
But it's better than losing her. ] --I'd ask you to run away with me tomorrow, if this were somewhere else. To stay with me.
[ I'm falling. ]
no subject
I can't lose you, too. Please don't go...
[ she knows what she signed up for when she started liking merlin. that he'd be taken away into the nexus at some point in time. she never expected it with simon which was why she was a mess for a while. it was the same for ryuko, too. her two best friends gone. and while death is her biggest fear, it's slowly being overtaken by the fear of losing merlin. as a friend. as...whatever this is. to the nexus.
she just wants to be with him. and maybe then she'd stop trying to be an idiot.
her hold on him grows tighter as her sobbing grows louder. ]
I'm so sorry. Please... I'd follow you anywhere, Merlin. Please. Just don't go.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6u0DGIh3wLA&nohtml5=False
Here. [ He shifts to pull her legs up, pulling her up onto his lap, pulling her in closer because really he just hopes in future she'll tell him if he crosses any lines. This, right now, is more about comfort. About holding her close as his lips brush her temple. ]
I'm not going. [ It hurts so much, because he knows -- or at least he's fairly certain he knows what she means by this. By "don't go". She doesn't mean to his apartment, to even the other end of the rooftop. She means for the foreseeable future. ] Look at me. [ His hand reaches for her face, swipes at the tears freely falling from her eye. ] I'm right here.
STOP LINKING SAD SONGS
barely.
what she sees is like how you'd view something from a kaleidoscope. the colours are all messed up, but she is looking at him, at least. ]
love me love me say that you love me :*
I'm right here.
Eh
I'm sorry. I don't know what to do to fix this...
fool me fool me go on and fool me [lonely]
[ He just breathes for a moment. ]
I'm. [ Okay, no he needs another second before he starts this again, but when he does, his voice is firmer. ] I'm used to poetry, to grand gestures of romance and that things like-- [ He just shakes his head again, biting into his lip. ] It's difficult, getting used to this when things aren't as serious when you... [ Maybe want it to be?
He doesn't know. ]
i could never :(
she's never felt this way before.
she moves to get off his lap and just sit next to him, knees drawn close to her as she embraces them. and then there's silence.
until-- ]
I am serious.
8( oh...
He sighs when she pulls away, pressing his hands to his lap instead and digging in.
He doesn't say anything for a long moment either, instead moving his hands to under his legs, gripping the blankets underneath. ]
Then why did you bring something like that into a game? [ It takes him a while to get the words out, voice cracking slightly. His head tilts away, looking towards the sky. ] I told you before, that to me a kiss isn't something I take lightly. [ His stomach is twisting painfully, throat feels like it's closing up. He moves his hands up, rubs at his face. ] If you'd told me while we were actually talking about it, not during a game it would have been different but--
[ It hurts. That she'd use that to win.
It isn't necessarily the amount of people she's kissed, just how she used that information. How she used the fact that she lied to him as a means to win too. ]
I don't want to keep going in circles, so let's just... forget it.
._.
But I don't want to forget it.
[ a sigh. she's a psychology expert. she's supposed to know how to fix things like this. but it's then that she realises that she can study all she likes, but the experience itself.
life itself.
it's different.
she takes a deep breath and looks at him, eyes just filled with concern. honestly, she could die right here but she would want to request whomever's killing her to do it after they fix this. they have to. forgetting isn't fixing. ]
I think you should continue.
sadly spoons
I've only been kissed once before. Gwen did it, because she thought I'd died. My heart stopped, but the healing concoction that Gaius gave me worked at the last minute, so I came back to life. That's it. I was barely conscious at the time. With you it's different. It's like... [ He sits back, presses his hands against the floor, bunches the blankets under his fingers. ] It's like everything is alive at once. It feels like-- [ His eyes shut and for a second he rolls his lower lip into his mouth, as if trying to remember the feeling. ] Like electric. Like fire. All the elements in one and like my heart is burning because it's beating so hard.
It's like I finally understand what poets write about. What people live for. And I don't want that to be made into something... smaller?
babe :<
she looks at her socks and blinks a couple of times before talking. what merlin said was a lot to take in. and normally, it would fluster her, but it just makes her feel loved all the more instead. it's different this time around. ]
I didn't mean to-- [ a pause and she sinks further into the blankets, trying to make herself as minimised as possible. but it's hard. it's hard when she wants to say big words but be small at the same time. ] I'm sorry. [ that again. ] For not even considering what you might feel.
[ she clears her throat. ]
For saying something like that without warning. But-- [ she wants to look at him. she wants him to look at her. but it doesn't seem all that possible right now. ] You're the most important person to me, Merlin. My heart practically beats for you. And at that point, I just wanted to win. I was being selfish. I'm sorry.
Please don't be mad anymore.
ah......... nuzzles
Slowly, he drops back onto the blankets, laying out instead as he tries to get rid of the tight feeling in his chest from this misunderstanding, fight(?), being so long and drawn out. She might have had a nap in the middle blessed with nice dreams thanks to her bracelet, but he's had a restless one where he kept waking up with his throat tightening up. ]
I'm just sad that you'd think you'd have to do something like that when I'd let you win if you wanted it that much to begin with. I'd give you anything you wanted.
Can I have your hand?
[ It isn't a demand this time, because he doesn't feel secure enough to expect her to agree entirely right now. ]
smooches your forehead
and it's why she shakes her head. she doesn't deserve to give her his hand, for whatever purpose that might be. she doesn't deserve him if she just keeps hurting him like this. relationships aren't supposed to be just happiness and rainbows, she knows that, but she at least wants to try to keep it as pristine and perfect as possible.
it's not possible. ]
I- You shouldn't.
[ she's a terrible person. ]
purrs ;u;
Shouldn't? Because it will make you want to leave more? Or because you're deciding for me?
[ :( ]
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