psycholawgy | post of shame

[ she doesn't move and doesn't speak for a few minutes, but she's thinking very deeply about what just happened. she's definitely not happy with what she saw. him being in tears. and she's even more unhappy about what she heard. there was just so much pain.

she really needs to make it up to him at some point. but for now-- ]

Merlin? [ she can't see where he is, but she lets one hand drop to the bed, palm facing upwards. ] Can you hold my hand?

[ After putting the ice pack on her, he'd just settled to the side though, so he isn't far. His hand doesn't hesitate in reaching for hers even if it triggers another spaced out session on his part. Hopefully his hands are still cool enough that it won't get her too. This time it's a memory of Lancelot doing the tests set for him so he could aim to become a knight. Before it kicks in though, there's a soft whisper of "Anything you want." ]

[ unfortunately (or fortunately?!), his hands have gotten a bit warm and it triggers another memory for her, too. it's not a bad one this time around, thankfully. though it is pretty painful. she's running in the waterpark, racing with rock lee on their way to one of the lap pools. and then she trips on a hose and falls on her face, causing a nosebleed.

fun times.

but the memory passes quickly, and it only makes her squeeze merlin's hand when it finishes, wanting to know if he is truly there. she can hear some soft purring from under the bed. not that they can see it, but it's her fox nuzzling merlin's before resting its head on the other's back.

when she finally speaks, though, it's totally unprompted. ]

Iris told me I was cruel for hitting you. I didn't know you were so hurt by it-- so hurt because of me... I won't do it again, I promise.

[ Ouch... What a memory, but it's still better than what it could have been. His hand squeezes hers in return as his other hand flips the page of his grimoire, taking note of a new spell he hasn't studied yet ehen... Athena says that. ]

She... What? [ Well it gets his attention then because wow thanks Iris, that isn't what he said at all. ] But I didn't... [ The book just gets left on his lap as his hand smacks himself in the face. ] Well it came up that you hit me when I flustered you, but I told her I thought it was ...more funny than anything else. I didn't say I was hurt, she just put her own ideals on people shouldn't show their feelings like that.

How long have you been worried about this?

Yesterday, when you left... [ she takes off the ice pack with her other hand so she can move closer to him, face burrowing at his side. ] She posted on the network and asked to talk to me.

[ He drops the book by the side of the bed and twists to look at her, letting her bury up against him. ]

I told her it wasn't necessary. It doesn't really bother me. I think it bothers her a lot more than it does me, actually.

It made me feel bad, you know? [ iris even made her cry! ] So... I won't do it again. Even if you find it funny.

And... [ she may as well just say it. ] I saw a memory of yours too.

[ He shifts after that until he's laying on his side next to her. His fingers sweep over her hair, even if her face is hidden away he can do that much. ] Whatever makes you feel better. I'm sorry she said those things though, but they came from her, not me.

[ mom >(!!! ]

...you did? Why didn't you say? [ probably because he was enough of a wreck already ah. ]

[ lbr she'll probably break this promise in a few days. (sorry.) ]

Because you were already upset? And I didn't know-- [ that he saw something, too. she really thought her fox hurt him. ] I was trying to make you feel better too.

[ She did last time lbr... He'll just learn to enjoy it (ah) ]

Well... [ He clears his throat then, but... ] I was but... If it was something that bothered you I'd want to know. Unless...it wasn't a bad memory? [ He doesn't know what she saw after all ]

It wasn't bad, [ not to her, anyway. he came out alive, after all! ] but your heart stopped at first. But then you woke up. Maybe that was Gaius in your memory? He looked like an old man. [ sorry, gaius. ] And then a girl kissed you.

[ which she can only assume was gwen!! he mentioned it before, after all. ]

[ At first he's honestly confused because it was so long ago, it's when she brings up the kiss that he actually seems to remember. A few months ago though he probably would have forgotten about that too. ] Gaius and Guinevere, yes. [ Now he just looks sheepish. ] I did actually die for a second then as well, I think. I mean, that's why even here it isn't that what bothers me... [ It was watching other people die that did. ]

[ she peeks up at him with a genuinely curious look on her face. how can his own death not bother him? just thinking about her own makes her freak out already. he's-- either really brave or really stupid tbh. ]

You're really silly. Did you know that?

[ Why not both at the same time... that's something that Arthur has learned over the past year or so. ]

Why is that silly? I mean, we come back, right? I came back then, too.

[ that reply was incredibly stupid though ah... ]

But people don't always come back. [ she just frowns at this point and rests her head on him again. ] Try not to be too reckless.

[ Yeah, it was... ]

I already promised that. Anyway... that memory didn't upset you?

[ He doesn't even mean because he died... then again, most of his emotions then were probably just like WTF HAPPENED WHAT IS GOING ON etc ]

Why would it? [ she did say it wasn't a bad memory. she even feels kind of glad to have seen gaius and gwen. now she knows what they look like, and it's like getting to know a whole new side of him in a way. ] You didn't die.

Yeah, but the... [ He waves his arm a little, but with her head tucked in she can't really see how it's moving to his mouth, indicating the kiss ] It's similar to what I saw and...

[ And he'd gotten upset :( ]

I could be mad if you wanted me to?

[ is that what he wants??????? she really sees no reason to be upset, even though she'll probably watch gwen and merlin like a hawk if gwen ever shows up in the colony. ]

Why would I want you to? [ um????????????? though he does add on: ] It shouldn't matter anyway really, her and Arthur are helplessly in love, even with the laws of Camelot preventing them to marry. ...But you didn't hear that from me, okay?

[ DGDKGKGDGKDG ARTHUR WILL KILL HIM IF HE EVER COMES HERE ]

Well, it's like you're kind of asking for me to? But it's a good memory like I said. Whatever else happened in what I saw doesn't matter to me.

[ and ah... now she wants to see what arthur looks like so she knows who to boss around if he ever arrived here too!!! ]

[ He bites his lip at that, eyes flickering down to look at her. ]

I'm not. I'm glad, actually. [ Because really it's pretty mature of her, and not only that... it's just proof of how much she believes. Now though, it means he's wiggling down a bit to see her eye to eye. ]

I love you. [ It's a soft murmur as his eyes shut and he rests his head against hers. //// ]

[ she can be mature!!!! :( and she does trust him with all her heart. he came back to her when she thought she was losing him. he said he wasn't giving up on her. it just means a lot to athena, even though she doesn't talk much about it. or at all. ]

I love you too. [ she twists a bit to kiss him on the forehead then. ] You mean everything to me.

[ She can!!! And it means a lot that she isn't acting weirdly about any of this. More than he's saying, but his hand definitely shifts from her hair to slide over her arm. ]

You too. [ It's said so softly, his heart skipping a little because of how warm this is in comparison to before. ]

[ she'd hit him for that but she feels so giddy and overwhelmed right now that she can't. and she tries not to laugh, but she breathes one out, anyway. this is just more than she could have ever imagined. ]

I think my headache is gone for now.

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