psycholawgy | post of shame

[ He isn't looking at her, instead splashes cold water on his face, disguising the fact that he'd been crying before. He isn't now, jaw set as he holds it back. He didn't want to upset her over this either, he knows Simon is no longer there, after all. There's little point in getting worked up over it long term but-- ] I could feel it. In the memory. That's why.

[ He just makes a small noise as he looks back at her, before he looks away. ] Sorry.

[ she doesn't want to look him in the eye, feeling so fucking exposed right now. it's terrible and embarrassing and mostly terrible. it's like he can see everything about her now and she really doesn't like it. ]

Even if I did go back home, and he was there, I don't think the two of us could be like that again.

[ should she be apologising too?? she honestly doesn't know, but why does she have to apologise for something that's in the past? it's not like she hasn't been loyal to merlin. and she loves him. she'd choose him over anybody else, even over simon. ]

Was there anything else you wanted to say?

You don't need to explain anything. I know. [ He didn't ask her to verify anything, he just wished he'd been able to hold in his own emotions better so she didn't panic about it.

But really, maybe she wouldn't have to feel so exposed if she'd been more open to begin with... just saying :< Not that it's something he thinks -- he doesn't. He just. ]

Can I just have a few minutes? [ He only looks at her through the bathroom mirror, eyes lowered a bit. ]

The ice pack is just right there. It'll help.

[ probably.

but she leaves the bathroom without saying anything else. she meets her fox on her way back to her bedroom and when she flops back on her bed, it just decides to curl under it, not making a sound. athena doesn't even want to get mad at it anymore. she's feeling so many emotions all at once that it's a bit overwhelming. ]

[ He gives her a slightly guilty look, knowing his reaction probably made this worse. He can't exactly help it though. It takes him longer than he said too, re-emerging from the bathroom 10 or so minutes later. His own fox follows until he gets on the bed to join her, and instead hops under the bed to curl up next to Athena's fox instead. It makes soft noises as if trying to soothe it for being bullied, but after a few notes quietens.

Now it's just eerily quiet until he reaches out with a cold hand to touch her face, forgetting his skin is cooler because of the ice pack. The good news for her though is that it won't trigger a memory, it just does for him. It's only super short though, nothing of importance. ]

Hey.

[ she only looks at him for a split second before she looks the other way, having no intention of facing him right now. it doesn't even matter if his hand is cold. ]

Hey. [ at least she's talking to him. ]

[ Yeah, okay. He'll just move his hand away and take a deep breath instead. It isn't like he asked for this either. He doesn't know what to do, because as far as he's aware she's the only one who had her memories exposed here. ]

Do you want me to go for a bit?

[ He stares up at the ceiling, wondering if he should have just lied and said it was the deaths again, anything but the truth.

But he'd promised to be honest with her............ even if she hasn't been honest with him all the time. Or at least not open. ]

[ he probably won't find out that she's seen something of his until much later. she doesn't want to get so bothered by what she saw, even if it was mildly terrifying. even if she did feel a bit of jealousy in her. she doesn't even know how to bring it up anymore.

she shakes her head at his question. ]

Don't. You said you wouldn't.

[ He watches her back quietly and slowly moves a hand to rub at his forehead. As if it wasn't bad enough already, really. ]

I know what I said. But you won't even look at me and... [ That hurts too, you know. He'd needed time as well, but she's making it look like it's his fault. At least it's how it feels when she keeps her back to him. ] It's fine, I'll just... [ He'll just study or something until she comes around as well. In which case, she'll see the book that has been stuffed in the corner of the room go flying up over the room and finally into his hand. He settles back against the bed, being just as stubborn about this. ]

My head just hurts... It's throbbing.

[ she isn't lying, at least, but this is a lot worse than being accused of a crime you didn't commit. this is so much more embarrassing. ]

Can we just have breakfast later?

Do you want me to get the ice pack? [ He only used it a little, he felt more nausea than headache, at least. But she isn't wrong... it's why he would have preferred something more traumatic in a sad way honestly. ] I'll make something in an hour.

[ He shifts off the bed then, reaching to get the ice pack so he can take it to her instead. ]

Put this on.

[ ugh... she faces him now to take the ice pack, but her eyes don't stay open for long. as soon as she places it on her forehead, she closes her eyes and tries to remember how to relax. ]

I'll do it. You're a guest, silly. [ a beat, and she lets out a pained groan. ] I'm sure Clonco would want to play with you while waiting.

[ He brushes her hair aside so the ice pack can rest there properly. ]

Just rest. We can worry about the rest later. [ And he can play with Clonco any time lbr. ]

[ she doesn't move and doesn't speak for a few minutes, but she's thinking very deeply about what just happened. she's definitely not happy with what she saw. him being in tears. and she's even more unhappy about what she heard. there was just so much pain.

she really needs to make it up to him at some point. but for now-- ]

Merlin? [ she can't see where he is, but she lets one hand drop to the bed, palm facing upwards. ] Can you hold my hand?

[ After putting the ice pack on her, he'd just settled to the side though, so he isn't far. His hand doesn't hesitate in reaching for hers even if it triggers another spaced out session on his part. Hopefully his hands are still cool enough that it won't get her too. This time it's a memory of Lancelot doing the tests set for him so he could aim to become a knight. Before it kicks in though, there's a soft whisper of "Anything you want." ]

[ unfortunately (or fortunately?!), his hands have gotten a bit warm and it triggers another memory for her, too. it's not a bad one this time around, thankfully. though it is pretty painful. she's running in the waterpark, racing with rock lee on their way to one of the lap pools. and then she trips on a hose and falls on her face, causing a nosebleed.

fun times.

but the memory passes quickly, and it only makes her squeeze merlin's hand when it finishes, wanting to know if he is truly there. she can hear some soft purring from under the bed. not that they can see it, but it's her fox nuzzling merlin's before resting its head on the other's back.

when she finally speaks, though, it's totally unprompted. ]

Iris told me I was cruel for hitting you. I didn't know you were so hurt by it-- so hurt because of me... I won't do it again, I promise.

[ Ouch... What a memory, but it's still better than what it could have been. His hand squeezes hers in return as his other hand flips the page of his grimoire, taking note of a new spell he hasn't studied yet ehen... Athena says that. ]

She... What? [ Well it gets his attention then because wow thanks Iris, that isn't what he said at all. ] But I didn't... [ The book just gets left on his lap as his hand smacks himself in the face. ] Well it came up that you hit me when I flustered you, but I told her I thought it was ...more funny than anything else. I didn't say I was hurt, she just put her own ideals on people shouldn't show their feelings like that.

How long have you been worried about this?

Yesterday, when you left... [ she takes off the ice pack with her other hand so she can move closer to him, face burrowing at his side. ] She posted on the network and asked to talk to me.

[ He drops the book by the side of the bed and twists to look at her, letting her bury up against him. ]

I told her it wasn't necessary. It doesn't really bother me. I think it bothers her a lot more than it does me, actually.

It made me feel bad, you know? [ iris even made her cry! ] So... I won't do it again. Even if you find it funny.

And... [ she may as well just say it. ] I saw a memory of yours too.

[ He shifts after that until he's laying on his side next to her. His fingers sweep over her hair, even if her face is hidden away he can do that much. ] Whatever makes you feel better. I'm sorry she said those things though, but they came from her, not me.

[ mom >(!!! ]

...you did? Why didn't you say? [ probably because he was enough of a wreck already ah. ]

[ lbr she'll probably break this promise in a few days. (sorry.) ]

Because you were already upset? And I didn't know-- [ that he saw something, too. she really thought her fox hurt him. ] I was trying to make you feel better too.

[ She did last time lbr... He'll just learn to enjoy it (ah) ]

Well... [ He clears his throat then, but... ] I was but... If it was something that bothered you I'd want to know. Unless...it wasn't a bad memory? [ He doesn't know what she saw after all ]

It wasn't bad, [ not to her, anyway. he came out alive, after all! ] but your heart stopped at first. But then you woke up. Maybe that was Gaius in your memory? He looked like an old man. [ sorry, gaius. ] And then a girl kissed you.

[ which she can only assume was gwen!! he mentioned it before, after all. ]

[ At first he's honestly confused because it was so long ago, it's when she brings up the kiss that he actually seems to remember. A few months ago though he probably would have forgotten about that too. ] Gaius and Guinevere, yes. [ Now he just looks sheepish. ] I did actually die for a second then as well, I think. I mean, that's why even here it isn't that what bothers me... [ It was watching other people die that did. ]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject